The Geiger Counter

Matt Geiger is the winner of 12 Wisconsin Newspaper Association awards, including four first prizes for his humor column, "The Geiger Counter."
The stories can also be found in a new book being published by Henschaul Haus. "Raised by Wolves and Other Stories" is slated for release in the fall of 2016. 
For more information, visit the author's website at geigerbooks.com. 
 
Sun
27
Nov
MTT News's picture

Geiger's debut book finds humor, inspiration in the unknown

Celebrate with the author 
on Wednesday, Dec. 7 at 
Wisconsin Brewing Company 
in Verona from 6-8 p.m. 
The official book launch 
party will include a signing,
copies for sale and a 
chance to chat with the author

 

“We all have so much in common. You wouldn’t think it from the endless cavalcade of animosity and discord on the Internet, but we do,” observes author Matt Geiger as he prepares for the release of his debut book. “We all live, we all die, and we are all far more confused by the world around us than we like to admit.”

Wed
09
Sep
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Before I Go

I used to have a Darwinian view on parenting. Like all uninformed opinions, it was elegant in its simplicity.

“Kids have survived for thousands of generations without car seats, helmets, vaccines or organic, lavender-scented diaper cream,” I said. “I’m pretty sure the survival of our species proves we don’t need to go out of our way to keep them alive.”

What I immediately realized the first time I looked at my daughter was the fundamental difference between the species as a whole - which includes billions of people, many of whom are murdering, stealing and singing karaoke at this very moment – and my little girl, who is currently gnawing on my leg and saying “meow” while pointing at a picture of a pig.

It’s not that I don’t care about the whole of humanity. It’s that I care about it far less than I care about the little girl whose health, safety and ultimate happiness are my responsibility.

Fri
03
Jan
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Confessions of a pin-up icon

It was the early 1950s when a young farm girl named Bonnie Bakken stood in the doorway of her parents’ home in Black Earth. Her hands on her hips, the fiercely independent young woman told her mother she was leaving the farm, the church, and Wisconsin.

She was going, she said, to see her name in lights. 

“And I did,” she reflects today with a nod, cradling a small cup of coffee and flexing her hands to counteract the arthritis that often binds them. “I saw my name in lights many times.”

At a corner table at Hazelnut Café in downtown Blue Mounds, the woman, who went by myriad names but who most know as Bonnie Logan, carefully opens a thick, red, ribbon-festooned book containing dozens of magazine covers and newspaper clippings that chronicle the life of a pin-up and burlesque legend.

Wed
12
Dec
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The Apocalypse or the Egg

Editor's note: The following column first appeared in News Publishing's Spring 2012 Home and Garden Supplement.

In our partisan culture, half the populace always believes we’re on the brink of the apocalypse.

I’m an Independent, which means I’m always convinced everything is on the verge of collapse. As a result, I’m cultivating a lifestyle that will make the inevitable apocalypse manageable. I don’t just want to survive the End Times – I want to enjoy them.

Wed
05
Dec
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Beware the Panhandling Menace?

“Be careful everyone! The gypsies might throw their babies at you.”

We stood in a swarming French train station - surrounded by gothic clocks, smoke and a mist of people making throaty noises I had to assume were words.

I departed for France with the impression even babies there smoked cigarettes and drank wine. Colorfully dressed nomads hurling small children hadn’t been mentioned during pre-trip preparations.

Was it like the beach ball at baseball games? Or perhaps the dropped babies were sent to a special school and groomed to someday become American politicians.

“It’s an old trick,” our tour guide continued. “A woman will throw her baby at you. When you grab it with both hands, someone else will pick your pocket. She’ll snatch her baby back and they’ll be gone before you know what happened.”

Mon
05
Nov
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Fad Accusation Was Foul

Tim Roehl, a Middleton Town Board supervisor, recently referred to backyard chickens as a “fad.” (See “Town Cries Fowl,” our page 3 story in the August 9 edition.)

I have news for Mr. Roehl. The domesticated chicken has a genealogy stretching back between 7,000 and 10,000 years, according to Smithsonian magazine. Throughout 99.8 percent of that time, families, on a relatively small scale, have kept chickens in the backyard.

The actual fad is raising poultry on putrid, cramped, filthy factory farms, injecting them with drugs so copious they’d make even the good Dr. Hunter S. Thompson cringe.

If keeping chickens on your property is a fad, then so too are things like the wheel, clothing, math and written language.

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